With Christmas now less than three days away, today is one of my final chances to discuss all those things I despise so much about this “holiday.” At this point, I’m just ready for it all to be over. The stupid crowds of people, the ridiculously bad music, the pressure of gift buying, and on and on. I’m over it, and I haven’t even gone home yet.
I know I can’t be the only one who experiences the phenomenon of being tired of Christmas before it even arrives, right? That may be my biggest problem with this whole charade, is that by the time the 25th does get here, everyone is so exhausted they can’t even enjoy it. It’s 1:45 p.m. and I’m ready to go to sleep after shopping all morning (I finally finished, by the way). The only logical thing to do at this point is to petition for more hours in the day.
I can’t even imagine what people with kids feel like by now. The whole thing just screams awful. During a time when stress is supposed to be low, it’s always at its height. Doesn’t that just seem off?
Anyway, moving on to a couple of final thoughts about Christmas time and some of the bad things that come along with it. For those of you who plan on going back for seconds or thirds on Saturday, or even those who opt for the grazing approach where you just eat freaking day, you may not want to read the next section.
Push back from the table before you kill yourself
Why is it that a holiday that technically lasts just one day gives everyone an excuse to gain 20 lbs. over the course of a month? Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for Pecan pie and Honey Baked Ham on Christmas day, but do we really need four million pounds of fudge every other day of the month too? By the time Christmas presents are opened the size 36 pants purchased on Black Friday from JC Penny’s 75% off rack need to be returned for 38′s or 40′s. Don’t be that person. You know, the one who comes back to the table with his third plate and gets the wide-eyed look from everyone else. The one who gets the “where are you putting all that” comment from Grandma. Save yourself the embarrassment, and cost of a new wardrobe, and just say no to 3,000 calories in one sitting. The buttons on your pants, belts and arteries will thank you later.
Terrible Christmas cards
I got this one from my friend Jim Young over at the ACC Sports Journal. Hadn’t really thought about it, but when I did, I realized how much I despise these things. My apologies, but I don’t give a crap how much your heathen child has grown in the last year. Christmas cards, in a weird way, are sort of a friend barometer. When you sit down to send the cards, it’s a more complicated process than what the NCAA selection committee goes through each March. Who are your last four in? Last four out? On the flip side, the same is true about the cards you receive. If you don’t receive a card from one of your “close friends,” you feel betrayed and begin to question the entire friendship. Give me a break.
To finish this thing out, I’m going to give some 1-2 sentence thoughts on other topics that I don’t have the time (thanks Holiday Season) or energy to write paragraphs about.
Lexus Car Commericals — I know it’s the gift giving season and all, but does anyone really do this? It will be the “December to remember an absurd car payment” event.
Inflatable Christmas Decorations — I’d rather a house have 250,000 twinkling bulbs on it than have one blow up Nascar Santa in the yard.
The people who are done shopping — Screw you and the horse you road in on, you overachieving bunch of jerks. Just because you’re retired and free all day doesn’t mean you’re better than me.
Weathermen who predict snow on Christmas — We’re in North Carolina, where the chances of this are very slim. Quit ruining my chances of buying bread anytime in the next week! Yes, I’m looking at you Greg Fischel.
Assuming I see more absurd things worth posting in the next day or so, which is a given, I’ll have more thoughts tomorrow and Friday. Until then, I hope this holds you over.
